I'm sorry mommy and daddy don''t pay for my housing and tuition. I"m sorry my profession is more demanding than yours. I'm sorry I my lab is so hard I have to go to open lab. I'm sorry I'm involved so that I can hopefully be successful.
RAH. It irritates the HELL out of me when my friends keep complaining that I dont' spend time with them. That I go to sleep. I only sleep 5/6 hours as is. It's not like I sleep ALL day like THEM. They guilt trip me and make me feel awful. Like a terrible friend. I'm still a good friend. I still spend time with them, I still listen to all their problems. Listen to them rant and rave about the dumbest things.
A lot of times I feel like I'm mad at everyone BUT Kat. She's the only one that really understands, because she's even MORE busy then me. They just don't understand. I would do anythign to not have to work. I hate working. It's not like I enjoy being gone ALL the time.
You know what else irritates me. When they, mostly Chris and Bre, complain about how they're SO busy. How am I ever going to get this done? or that done? How?? God, get off your LAZY ass, maybe sleep a little less than 12 hours a day. They don't even HAVE a job, let alone work the 25+ hours a week that Kat and I do. I have no fucking sympathy. They aren't involved. They dont' do ANYTHING but go to class. Yet they expect to get sympathy from me, no way. No fucking way.
Chris, only ever wants to hang out when It's convenient for him. LATE. Really late. I'm sorry but I need sleep. I dont' have time to take naps all day like he does. He's not even BUSY. Yet he wants me to work my schedule around his. GAH.
My best guy friend wants to date me.
My only other ex wants to get back together.
A random guy has sparked my interest.
I have to get over you. Now. Why does everything take so long. I don't belive that "time heals all wounds". At least not for me. I sit there and pick and pick at my wounds making them WORSE not better. I have to stop picking but I can't stop THINKING about everything that I shouldn't be thinking about.
I hate how you STILL have so much control over how I feel. It's been over two months and it still hurts. I don't know how to get past this. I really don't. I'm trying, and I thought I had let it all go. I did though, the anger but I still have all that love.
Thanksgiving and all the other holidays are hard, yesterday was rather depressing really. My mom and Vince were in this big argument (long story). My grandpa was really really sick. He's not doing so well these days and I have NO idea what I'm going to do when he goes. Beau was missing. It was still nice to spend time with my family and I am VERY thankful. I'm so thankful for everything that I do have. I am thankful for my family and friends, the love surronding me, the love in me. I'm failry healthy, my home, my education. Why are so many of us so thankful for the material things? All the things that are replaceable.
I got my yoga book today along with my meditation book. I can't wait to start with both of those. I think that will help with many things. Tremendously.
I decided a while ago I'm not giong to date for a while. A long while. I'm not giving up but I'm taking a long break. I really dont' care any more. It's not a top priority. I see it like this: when you get burned by a stove burner, you're not going to run back and touch it again any time soon are you? That's how I feel. I got burned, bad.
I drank again last night. I never use to feel that urge to drink, but I have recently. These past couple months especially. I want to drink so bad. I would too, if I had a safe place to do it. I want to go to parties to. I don't know what's going on inside. Maybe I'm finally breaking out? I don't know. I feel that urge so bad. I think it's the escape thing. I just want to relax, let go, and forget about things for a while. I've only been buzzed once, I really liked that feeling. A lot. I could never let myself get drunk, I just want to go out, get buzzed again and have some fun.
I don't think you will ever read this because I highly doubt I'll ever have the courage to give this to you. You never know though, for some reason you seem to give me the courage I can't ever seem to find. Plus If I do ever give this to you there is no guarantee that you will actually read it. But I have to get this out. It's eating away at me. I know I could never say what I want to say to your face, especially right now. I can't even meet your eyes these days.
I feel like so many things are left unsaid between the two of us. Every time I talk to you I want to say so much more but never do. Every time we talk I feel as though there is something you need to tell me but won't. Sometimes I think I feel to much, other times I walk around feeling numb. I like the numbness more, it hurts a lot less.
I kept too much from you. I kept you at a safe distance (or so I thought) and tried so hard not to let you into my heart, my thoughts, my actions. Somehow you found your way in anyway. I kept you so far away at times. I kept you as far away as I possibly could and still call you my boyfriend, especially this fall.
I made you a card. For our "one month". Yes, I never gave it to you. You didn't know it was our one moth, you didn't acknowledge it at all. So, I figured it wasn't that big of a deal. It was thought. To me. I ripped the card up. I was so proud of that card. It had a lot of little things in it. I couldn't wait to give it to you. Then I did give it to because the day didn't seem to matter to you. I didn't have enough guts to give you the card anyway. To me it's the little things that matter most. Little things like a homemade card, a simple wall post, a note.
I think they are many more underlying reasons as to why we broke up. I think a huge part was that when we got back up to school we stopped "dating". When we got back up here we never went on one date, did we? I would spend a MAX of two hours a day with you, usually very late at night. We never did anything, or really even talked. I would come over, we'd fool around for awhile, then I'd usually leave. This is both of our faults. I never invited you to come hangout over here earlier on, but you never invited me along for anything either. I thought I fit in well with you and your friends. I loved hanging out with you guys. I do remember me suggesting we go out to eat and you said, but I don't want to waste a meal plan (that hurt a little).
I made two really big mistakes with you:
1. Sleeping with you. I don't regret it but it was a mistake. Sleeping with someone is just as intimate as having sex. Just on a different level. I loved sleeping with you, laying with you. You are always so warm, me so cold. I hate being alone, HATE it, and when I slept with you I was never alone (except the night you got sick). You even invaded my dreams on those nights.
2. I got attached. When I hit my deer, the first person I wanted to call was you (after my mom). I wanted to call you so much, I knew you would make me feel better, you would comfort me and make me laugh. The part that really made me afraid was that I wanted to call you before Bre and Kat. So I didn't call you at all. I got attached to YOU. I loved you. There finally said it. Only took me three months. I wasn't IN love with you but I was falling...and I loved you. If that makes any sense. I remember three distinct times when I almost told you I loved you. I remeber oen of the times I was thinking about it, you kept saying "what?" because apparently I was looking at you different. I was too afraid to say it. When we were watching Die Hard 3 at the theaters I wrote it on your back. I had my hand up under the back of your shirt and I traced it onto your hot skin. I was just too afraid, way too afraid to say it. I knew you didn't love me. I knew you didn't care about me the same way I cared about you. I think that that's that one thing you've wanted to say but never did. I can just hear you saying "I like you a lot, Stef, but I just don't love you". That thought echoes in my head a lot.
You did hurt me. A lot. You broke my heart and you said you had to break up with me before you did hurt me. It reminds me of this song my Augustana "Either way, I'll break your heart someday". But I forgave you. For everything. I was so angry at you for a long time. Chris, whether he meant to or not, fed that anger. Then I let go of it all. I just let it all go, washed it all away. I forgave you. In one way I wished I hadn't done that. Being mad at you is a lot easier. I miss you. I miss you SO much. I miss you more than I ever thought I could.
I think I'm having a hard time getting over this because I can't run. Running is my therapy. It helps me sort things out and heal. Heal my mind and my heart. Heal my SPIRIT. I'm having a hard time because sometimes I wonder (now that we're broken up) if it was meant to be and I just screwed up my chance. I'm having a hard time because I fear I've lost you. Forever. I've always thougth, if you really really want something you have to fight for it. So that's what I'm doing. Fighting, for you. for us. I thought we shared something special. Then there's the rejection once again.
I miss your smile, your laugh, your pokes, the way you could always read me. I miss your touch, your smell, I miss laying in bed with you, your weight on top of me. I miss holding your hand, I miss having your arms around me, I miss your warmth. I miss the way you feel under my finger tips. I miss YOU. YES. YOU.
Remember that night you got sick? That morning you had your head in my lap. I was running my fingers through your hair. You kept drifting in and out of sleep. I just sat there, watchign you sleep. I think that might have been when it really hit me, how much I really cared for you. I remember you kept saying "You're too good too me". How could you let go of something that was too good for you?
I was always so calm around you. You calmed me so much. I don't know what it was but when I was around you I didn't fidget half as much as I usual did. I never told you this but you rekindled my love for classic rock. I went through this faze where I hated it, last year. I use to love it because Beau got me hooked on it. Then I hated it because it reminded me so much of him, and I tend to avoid things that remind me of him. Last spring things with Beau went through the roof and I stopped listening to classic rock all together. Then I'd be with you, and that's all you listened to, so I wanted to listen to it more. Probably because of the association with you. I fell in love with it all over again. Classic Rock defines me. So much. You helped me rediscover that love.
I want to get back together with you so much. I want it bad. I would do anythign to be back in your arms, your arms that I miss so much. I know that's not really an option, but that doesn't make me want it any less. I know you don't want me back. And I know that we could never get back together right now. Both of us have a lot more growing up to do first. Have you once regretted breaking up with me? I want a second chance. A chance to prove I'm the one you want. A chance to get you back (but I don't think I ever had you in the first place). I would do so many things differently the second time around. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?
Remeber that talk we had, after we broke up, what things you could have done different? What could I have done different? I think about that a lot.
I loved this summer. I know that if we did get back together it would never be like this summer. I do think it would be even better. I have faith that if we ever did get back together, not now, but later, things would really work out.
"You never know what you have until it's gone". So ture. I didn't realize just how much you meant to me untill you were gone. I gave you a pice of me. I let you have me. I shared my heart with you. I gave you a piece of my heart, and I never got it back. You've been absent from my life for over two months now, and it's killing me.
I never thought about the future with you. Ever. Maybe little day dreams here and there. I knew you weren't in this for the long term thing but somehow it feels as though I've lost one of my dreams. Just went flying out that window. I want you. I've taken so many risks with you. Risks I thought I'd never have the courage to take.
I can't look you in the eyes anymore. I can't look you in the eyes because I fear you'll be able to see the pain, the heart breaking in my eyes. There's the love too, so much love for you. I'm letting go of that pain, but I could never let go of that love. At least not for a while yet.
I'm writing this(not this copy obviously, the paper hand-written copy) out on a rock int the middle of the river at Island Park. It's my Colorado. I crawled out here the day you broke up with me and I'm out here again. I've sat hear for a good two hours. It's so peaceful, so serene. The only thing now is that it's officially fall, moving onto winter. Everything is dead. Fall has always been a really hard time for me. I always dread September, and have since I was seven. Everything seems to come crashing down on me in that one month. It did again this year. I love this rock. This big rock has helped me through a lot.
I don't expect anything from you. I don't expect anything to happen. I just had to tell you this because I never did before. I've regret that I never told you I loved you and I try to live without regrets. If I had never wrote this I would have always wondered, wondered what would happen if I DID write it...
Love, Stef
Ive been holding out so long
Ive been sleeping all alone
Lord I miss you
Ive been hanging on the phone
Ive been sleeping all alone
I want to kiss you
Augustana "Either way, I'll break your heart someday":
I'll miss you in the winter
your friends say i should listen
Can't you see i've loved you all along
if america dont like me
you can say i finally
i'm the cableman who only knocks on the door
should anyone, should anyone
Cause either way
break your heart someday
and leaving you's the last thing on my mind
so when i go baby kiss me slow
so i don't forget to make my way back home
when it's cold
Augustana "Still Ain't Over You":
Out of luck and out of tune
Half the day and I confused
Love may wash away the blues
I still ain't over you
Belong to me when it's summer time
Miles away from home of mine
Same old shit same damn rhyme
I still ain't over you
Cause When the walls come crashing in
When the flames come closing in
Just remember, time and again
I still ain't over you
Thursday I went to visit my old h.s. Spanish Teacher. I love and miss her so much. She helped me in many ways through out high school, she was the only teacher who really challenged me. I think the main reason why I love Mrs. Maida so much is because she is one of the most spiritual people that I know.
I belive there are two kinds of very spiritual people:
1. The kind that lets it consume them and their lifes.
2. The kind that lead a "normal" life and can separate from their spirtuality when need be.
She's the second type. I love how spiritual she is. We talked about spirituality for a long time. I would consider myself a fairly spirtitual person. I am very spirited. My outlet is nature. Those rocks in Colorado. I honest to God belive that hatred is poison in our bodies and that it causes many deseases and cancers. Hatred and stress. I'm going to take up Yoga and Meditation then I'm going to try and get my mom to do it too. I worry about her so much.
Another reason why I'm so drawn to Mrs. Maida is because her son, Nate, did exactly what Beau is doing to my mom, many years ago. I was talking to her about that too. It was hard. I find it harder and harder to talk about Beau these days. I can barely talk about him without getting teary eyed. Even in casual conversation. I think my walls are breaking, crumbling down and I don't know how much longer I can hold them up before everything I've been holding back comes rushing in. I cried three times that Thursday, more like sobbing actually.
I believe that all of are connected spirtitually. Not that with random people, but with people you have any sort of meaningful relationship with.
We were talking about how Beau can sense and feel my families pain caused by him. That that is a reason why he hasn't "come back". Beau is not ready to "come back" he still hasn't "woken up". I don't think he feels guilt or remorse yet. However I do believe that he can feel our pain on a different level. That he can subconciously feel it and it's drawing him even further away. I know if I ever saw him in person I would have pain written all over my face. I forgive Beau for every single thing he has done. I realize that he isn't acting in the right mind and what he's doing isn't Beau. I forgive him, I just want my twin back. What I have to do now is let go of the pain and embrace the love. I believe that it will help him to come back. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I think I'm going to start with the Yoga and Meditation.
Now, on to other things. Evan. I want to get back together with him really bad. I want a second chance and I feel like I deserve that second chance. He screwed things up, but so did I. I kept him at too far a distance. He was BARELY in my life. I didn't let him in. I realized a couple weeks ago that I still have a lot of feelings for him. I still can't be attracted to another guy. Yet I am still very attracted to him. I can't just come out an ask him because we aren't even friends yet. We're in that akward stage. But the only way I can mend our friendship is by thinking of it as ONLY a friendship NO potentional of something more. Just friendship.
See with Evan I screwed up a lot, I made a lot of mistakes. But the BIGGEST mistake I made was getting attached. He still has a very big piece of my heart.
I don't want to lose him forever.
I swear we still have that twin vibe. I swear I can still feel it sometimes.
Everyone tells me their problems and talks to me. A lot of people have told me that they think I'm really easy to talk to and really easy to open up to. I like helping people and I like being there for people. Lately everyone keeps telling me a lot. Not dumping things on me per say but giving me a lot. I want to help them and I don't know how. I feel overloaded because all these people need my help and I don't know how to help them and I feel like I can't tell anyone becuase that would be breaking their trust. I don't know what to do. I really don't and I'm worried about one of them. I'm pretty sure she has an eating dissorder. I'm pretty positve actually, I know she has a eating problem and I think she's on the path to the disorder part. I can't even solve my own problems, I don't know how to help. I really don't.
Okay so I do know why. I let go. I really did. I have very little regret. I am moving on. I let go of everything with Evan I let go of my hatred for my dad. I just let it all go. I have no idea how i did it, but I did. I think It was this weekend as a whole. The talk on Friday with Joel, hanging out with Scottie and Ryan, going to the movie, thinking, water skiing, just being up north with my family. I had a really busy weekend.. All that helped me let everything go.
I feel so good right now. I feel free, like nothing can stop me. I feel happy and full of faith. I feel as though everything will be alright. Everything will work out. Things are finally starting to come together.
I had a really nice long talk with my R.A., Joel. He made me feel SOOO much better. Then I really really started thinking about things. What Evan and I had wasn't real. At all. I realize this now. It wasn't true love. For me it was real and it meant something but to him it meant nothing. I'll probably always care about him, on some level. I opened up to him and let him in and gave him a piece of me. I just need to let go. What happened happened. It's all in the past. I still regret and that's where I"m really hung up on everything. I need to get past the regretting and move on. What happened with him helped me to become the person I am now. I grew more I learned more about relationships and me. I'm trying so hard to get past that and I think I'm almost there. FINALLY. I couldn't have done it a lone though. I have some amazing people in my life. I am blessed with a group of people that actually CARE about me that LOVE me. I love my friends so much, Kat and Bre are my sisters, they aren't my best friends. They are FAMILY. Chris is becoming a close friend to and he's helped me a LOT. My mom wrote me this letter that I've probably read 100 times now. It's helped me too. My mom is an amazing women. I love her SO much. So So very much.
Love, I believe very few of us are fortunate to find TRUE love. We aren't patient enough to wait for this. I believe that love these days, isn't what it was SUPPOSE to be. It's tainted just like our wolrd as a whole. This world is so messed up we need a CHANGE so bad. I hope I live to see this change. I really do, I want to make this world a better place for my kids and family and friends. I don't want to keep living in this tainted world we live in. Everything is skewed and twisted. I'm trying to have hope. Hope that someday this world will change.
I really want to find true love. I hope that I'm one of those few that are fortunate enough to find it. I believe in love. I've been very bitter lately. Saying I dont' believe in it and how it's not worth it. I think I was just blinded a little bit for a while. I believe in love. It IS worth it.
I'm just lucky to be ALIVE.
I"m also letting go of my past with my father. I NEED to forgive him. It's not good for me or for him or my mom for me to have this hatred for him. This hatred has started to make me bitter. I NEED TO LET GO. I have to realize that maybe he has CHANGED and maybe he really does want a relationship with me. I'm just so confused. He came back and he wants to act like everything is okay. He thinks that I should be able to forgive him over night. I can't do that. He spent 19 years making this relationship like this. He can't fix it over night. But i'm learning, so much. I'm learning that I need to forgive him. I just dont' know how or where to start.
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
I am right, and for once I HATE being right. I hate it so much. I never knew being right could hurt this much.
I was in love with you. I really was. I took that blinded leap in and fell in love. I almost told you that I loved you three times but I didn't. I didn't because I knew that you didn't love me back. and I was right.
You dumped me for reasons I can not understand. I fell and you let me fall flat on my face. I hurt so much. This, this is why I didn't want to go as far as we did. This, this is why I was SO afraid to take that leap. I did anyway though, I did it because I thought you were different. I did it because I felt something I've never felt before.
It hurts so much because I felt so much for you and you felt absolutely nothing for me.
It really made me a little sad that you never posted "Happy Birthday" on my wall. I know you called and left a voicemail, but I don't know. Bre and Kat sent me facebook gifts, wrote on my wall, and both called me at noon, when the knew I would be up. AND they came to see me. You, you called and 10:30 [while I was in a movie] and left me a voicemail. I don't want you to post on my wall now, because that would be pointless and the only reason you would post is because you know I wanted to. It's the little things.
See? This is why I dont' want to go further in our making out, because I am very insecure. I need the extra little things like messages and what not. I am a very insecure person and I have absolutely no faith in relationships. I wish I could change those things about me, but I can't and then I wouldn't be me.
I am insecure for a lot of reasons. Mainly because my dad completely abandoned me and yet he would come back in to my life, only to use me. It hurts when anyone uses you but it especially hurts when your own fucking father uses you. What hurts even more is that bastard didn't even ask how my surger ywent. He new I had surgery because my grandma Nancy told him and because he got the Blue cross papers. He sent the blue cross papers here. No note no anythign. No how are you? I heard you had surgery. Nothing. That cuts deep and truely hurts that my own father doesn't even care about me. Not one ounce. Then my birthday came, no card no anythign. I didn't expect anything and in front of my mom I blow it off as no big deal. But once I'm behind a secure door the tears run. How could you not even wish your own daughter a happy birthday. I did absolutely NOTHING to him and yet it feels as though he walked out of my life and slammed teh door in my face over and over again.
My mom remarried and divorced once again, then she had two serious relationships that didn't work out. My mom is an amazing woman, she truely is and she has had a really hard life. I dont' understand how so many people can hurt her and yet she continues to be such a strong women.
Beau. I don't think you understand how much the current situation with my twin brother bothers me. I think about it ALL the time. What could have done? Could I have done somethign different? I don't think you even begin to understand. Maybe if I let you read a post then you would maybe maybe have a shred of understanding. But lets face it that is never going to happen.
I can't get close, I can't get attached. I just can't do it. I can't do it because I will only get hurt. I don't have faith in relationships, none. I can't get hurt again, I hurt so much already. I just can't take that blinded leap in. I wish I could but I can't. I realize that absolutely ANYTHING can dissapper in just one blink of the eye.
It feels to me that you don't even like me THAT much, that you are dissapointed in me. That you don't even CARE about me. That you will just break up with me when something better comes along.
A) I miss Kat and Bre WAY too much to be considered healthy. We talk a lot and all the time but it's not the same as Bre being 3 feet away and Kat just across the hall.
B) Evan. I more than like him. That's scary. I think I'm going to pull back a little from him or something. I don't know. I don't want to get close to him. It will only end in heart ache for me. I'm just way to insecure to be close to someone, WAY to insecure. I seriously think he will find a new girl, a girl who fufills all his hopes and dreams shortly after we return to school. In this case and many others my "fear the worst" attitude is best. I need to prepare myself for the inevitable. I find I have less dissappointment with that attitude. Bre says I'll miss what is right in front of my face in the moment. But I just don't trust him to be that close to him, I dont' trust myself either. I feel like running...hard, fast and SO far away.
C) My birthday is coming up. I've decided I dont' want a birthday any more. How can I have a birthday with out my other half. Can't I just postpon my 19th birthday until he wakes up and returns to the real world. It's going to be wierd, I've never had my own birthday before.
D)I NEED to go running. End of story. This is the longest I have EVER gone with out running and it's killing me. I need to go running!
E) I am BROKE. I had to take a month and a half off of work and I can't work many shifts right now. Yet, I'm paying out of my own pocket for Physical Therapy, Gas and all the other expenses that I have. I have to come up with 800 dollars by August. RAWR
Soulmates. I truly believe in soulmates. I believe that there is one person out there for each of us, someone who completes us. It’s just a matter of finding them, which I believe is near impossible. How can you possible find that perfect someone in a world of billions and billions of people? Impossible. I do believe, however, that some of us are fortunate enough to find our soulmates or someone close. I think patience is the key. Maybe you won’t find your soulmate until you’re 40 or something, but wouldn’t it be well worth the wait? I think so.
Then if you do find your soulmate, how do you know if they are your soulmate? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I think that your soulmate won’t have all the qualities you want but all the qualities you need them to have, maybe even on the subconscious level too. Like for me, I want to have a guy call me beautiful and pretty and tell me I have nice “insert quality here”. Maybe that’s what I want but not what I need. Maybe I need a guy who doesn’t say all those things to me because I need to realize myself that I am pretty and that I do have nice eyes or whatever. So you see, if I do find my soulmate I probably won’t think he is my soulmate because he doesn’t have all the qualities that I want.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because of Evan. He is a great guy, he really is but there are some things about him that bother me a little. Like he has never called me pretty, not once. I try to look nice for him I really do and my friends tell me I look beautiful or that I look really nice. Maybe he doesn’t even notice, I don’t know or maybe I’m just being selfish. I pay a few compliments to him and he never ever pays any nice compliments to me. He told me once that I had a nice ass. I don’t want him to say that. I would much rather him tell me I have nice eyes or a pretty smile. I am an extremely self conscious person. I don’t let my chest or ass hang out and I dress pretty crazy and weird but everything is well covered. Extremely well covered.
He calls me every night, I don’t talk to him during the day at all. If I’m online I might talk to him for a little bit but that’s it. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. We use to message each other a lot on facebook, but that has stopped. He says he doesn’t have time or that he too busy to do that. I see him almost every Saturday and he calls me everynight and that’s pretty much it. I don’t think that’s asking for to much at all. Some girls talk to their boyfriends ALL day long. I would never be like that or want to be like that. He has his life and I have mine. That’s the way it should be. We are so young, you never know what is going to happen.
This passed week he didn’t call me on Sunday night or Monday night. I started to get really worried because I hadn’t gone that long with out tralking to him or something since we started talking back in May. I was really really worried because he didn’t’ have any facebook action and he wasn’t online. He’s always online, just away or idle. My imagination began to run wild so I sent him a message on facebook asking if everything was alright. So he called me as soon as he got it when he came home from work on Tuesday to dispel my worries. He said he didn’t get home until late Sunday and knew that I would understand if he didn’t call. Then Monday night he didn’t cal because he was reading in bed and fell asleep and it completely slipped his mind. He’s done that before, not call because it was really really late. Which I COMPLETELY understand, he works 8-5, five days a week. I mean the kid needs his sleep. It kind of hurts though, that he doesn’t just call to have a 40 second converstation, to say “Hey, I’m exhauseted, I’ll talk more when I call you tomarrow, blah blah” That’s all I would want and it kind of hurts that he doesn’t do that. But maybe I’m asking for too much. I mean, it’s not like we are in some serious relationship or anything. I’m glad that he didn’t call me for two days though. It woke me up, it made me realize two things. One, I was getting way too attached to him, which is not good at all. I don’t’ want to become that attached and become dependent upon him. I don’t want that at all. Two, I think I’m falling in love with him. I was so freaking worried when he didn’t call, I really do think I’m falling in love. I can feel it, when we are together. When we’re holding each other, and he looks into my eyes. I can feel it….
I don’t think he’s in this for a serious relationship. I think that I’m the girl of the moment and that he’s just lonely and I meet some of his standards. I don’t think I live up to his expectations or rise to the standards that he wants in a girl. I don’t’ think I even come close and that really hurts. I’ll bet anything that after we are back up at school for a month or two, he’ll find some girl who does and then that will be the end.
I’m a little insecure, I try so hard not to be, but I am. But when you look back at my life you see where my insecurities come from. My dad abandoned me at age 2 and a half. He was in and out of my life, which made me feel really used. My house burned down. Now everything with Beau. I realize that you can’t expect the best, as some people, including Evan can. I just can’t do it. I get my hopes up so much and they just get crushed. It’s much better for me if I fear the worst, then I’m always surprised or at least I know that things could be worse and that I should be thankful for what I have.
Summer is already half over, I’ve been out of school for almost two months now, and am counting down the days until I go back to CMU, 59. This year, I met the two best friends a girl could ask for. Bre and Kat, they are absolutely amazing. We helped each other through so much shit through out the year. They are more like sisters to me than friends. They are the only two people that completely understand me. The actually day that we left, Friday was extremely hard. Kat started crying and then Bre started crying then I even became a little teary-eyed. I knew it would be okay though and has been. I’ve already seen Bre 7 times and I’ve seen Kat 3 times since school has been out. Which is pretty good considering we’re on opposite ends of the state. Bre and I really lucked out, she’s only and hour away. Which is a very comforting feeling, to know that she’s only and hours drive away. I just can’t wait to be back up at school, we’re going to have an even more amazing year than last year.
I had my knee surgery on May 18th. That went very well. There weren’t any surprises or anything, it went exactly as planned. The worst part about the surgery was the pre-surgery, the waiting and the anticipation. I mean it was SURGERY, I was put “under”. All of the nurses were very impressed that day, because I woke up extremely fast, on the way to the recovery room, and I was very co-herent, plus I remembered all of their names. They let me leave the recovery room earlier and the hospital early as well. The first day really wasn’t bad at all. Once I started feeling the pain, later that night, I took my vicodin. I really haven’t had extreme pain or anything. Right now I’m back in physical therapy. I’ve been wearing a brace, which I named Brice, and am in the process of losing it. I didn’t realize just how fast or how much my muscles would deteriorate. My calf and quad are disgustingly small and weak. My physical therapists keep telling me that it will come back fast enough. I hope so. I like my physical therapists, I’m going to a private practice again and I work mostly with Nolan and Kia. I’ve also had to re-learn how to walk correctly. It’s crazy, I never even thought about that. I get frustrated easily because I’m not used to being this weak or dependent and I HATE it. I hate that I can’t play any sports for another two months, and that I can’t even walk properly. My mom and Bre both told me I walk like a turkey. Hahaha. NOT.
Then there is Evan. We never had coffee that Wednesday night. I thought he blew me off, because I didn’t hear from him the entire day. Then after I watched LOST I got back on my computer and he started talking to me. He was sick and we talked for another 2 hours or so online. Then he said we could hang out Thursday after he was done packing and I was done with my exam. He was leaving on Thursday. So Thursday I finally met him, he came down to our room. It went well. Bre was there and then Kat came in after her exam, not knowing he would be there. He stayed down there for a half hour or so, just talking and making jokes with us. After he left, Bre and Kat gave me the LOOK. The he’s-perfect-for-you-what-have-you-been-w
- Music:Barenaked Ladies
So this is something I wrote a while back, in March, but I felt the need to post it.
For as long as I can remember I have always enjoyed running. I’m not sure when the PASSION for running developed. It was probably shortly after finishing my freshman year of High School. Running keeps me sane and it gives me the strength I need when times get tough. There are times in my life where I have to run. Simple as that: I just have to run. It’s a combination of a lot of things. It’s that first fresh breathe of air filling your lungs on your first step into the run. It’s the pounding of your chest that you can feel through out your entire body during a good run. It’s the wind rushes into your face. It’s the way you create the wind on a calm day. The rhythm of the run [every runner has their own unique rhythm]. The way your feet make their permanent marks on every piece of this earth that they touch. How you know when you have an amazing run on a beautiful day. How running can help you solve a lot of your problems. How it just clears your mind and helps you think straight. How you can feel it in every muscle when you’ve had a hard run. It’s….running and that is why I love it. When I was a sophomore in High School I began to have some serious back and knee problems which hindered my running. The back problems are irreversible, unfixable, and permanent. These problems have lead to a constant ache in my knee and a constant tightness in my back. My runs still end with the joys but sometimes it is over ridden by the sharp pain in my knee. The knee problem can hopefully be fixed. I have been going to Sports Med Doctors since my sophomore year. My last doctor handed me over to the surgeon this year. He told me that I had to stop doing everything that irritates my knee, so running. I had to stop running. He also sent be back to Physical Therapy, he wants to give P. T. one last chance. After going to P. T. for two months he will determine whether it will help restore my knee to a working condition. If the P. T. doesn’t work then I he will give me a cortisone shot, and if that doesn’t work surgery. The reason why he is not jumping into surgery right away is that 95% do better without the surgery. So I haven’t ran since January 24, 48 days. This has been 48 days of insanity, the hardest 48 days of my life. At this point in my life, I need running the most. Right now, everything is leading to dead ends or branching of into worse problems. When I think things can’t get worse, somehow they do. I keep telling myself I can do it, because really I’m fortunate. Far more people face more adversity than me. But on the days when things are at its worst I feel that pull toward my Brook’s and I want to feel that real breath again, I can’t. I don’t even know when the light at the end of the tunnel will be back. I have no idea when they will let me run again. I hate this, so, so very much. I can never replace running ever. So I ran to day. Everything has been building up and building up and that pull towards the Brooks has gotten stronger and stronger. I just had to, the beautiful day topped the cake and I had to eat it. It was amazing, it was so fulfilling and I feel so much better. Even if it did end with the persistence stabbing in the knee and the burning of tears in my eyes, it was still amazing. I have realized that running is what I do. Running is my art, my passion, my love. I am a runner. I have been trying to find my niche in life and I believe I have found it. I run, I fit right in with everything that surrounds my run. I wish I could go to college and get a degree in running. I could be a professional runner. I do know why it’s not though. My running is so selfish; it doesn’t benefit anyone but me. My art doesn’t bring joy to any one’s life.
So guys are always saying "Nice guys finish last", well so do nice girls.
It always seams like guys always go for the bitchy girls, the girls who cheat on them, hurt them, treat them like shit, and walk all over them. The girls who aren't understanding, but are irrational, and clingy.
Guys never go for the nice girls, the girls who would never hurt them, never cheat on them, live just to see them smile, and are so understanding.
Nope guys never go for those. I would consider myself a nice girl. Nice is my bare-minimum. Guys never go for me. ever. And if they do, the lose interest within a week.
So I have this thing tomarrow with a guy. You see this is a story in it's self. So I use to see this guy everwhere. But I had no idea who he was, none. I, having runner's intuition, could tell he was a runner. So then I noticed him even more. Probably two months ago, I was wondering aimlessly around on facebook. I stubbled across his facebook and added him as a friend. Of course he added me back. Last night he aimed me (my aim is on my facebook). I had no idea who it was at first, then he told me. And asked me how he knew me, and why I added him. So I told him. We talked from 2:30-5:00 in the morning. It was a really really nice conversation. We have a lot in common. And I don't know how to explain it, but w really clicked over AIM. He seems crazier than me, and really nice. Then I told him I should really get to bed, cause I had a final today at 2. He asked me when my last final was, and then he asked me if I would like to grab a cup of coffee with him. So I really don't know. I mean, I don't even know him. He doesn't know me. So is it an almost date, or not even that? I mean, what's going to happen? This is our last week here. So I won't see him again for 4 months. I'm confused. It's also really funny beceause we both don't drink coffee!!!! But we both sniff coffee. :)
Hrms. I don't know. So this semester I don't see him as much as last semester. I still see him, he lives in the same dorm, on second floor, I live on terrace. I still see him in the cafeteria all the time and other random places. So today, my roomate and I wear walking to the University Book Store and we passed him. I saw him and I know he saw me. But I couldn't even look at him. I didn't even acknowledge him. I felt awful. It's just sometimes my shyness comes back, at the worst possible moments. But as soon as we got back I aimed him. He did see me, and was waiting for me to make the move. So explained it to him and it's all cool. i still feel terrible about that though. I mean that is an awful thing to do.
I'm just so unbelievably nervous about tomarrow. I don't have much experience with guys. At all. I think I look better on paper or something. Actually, I am sure I look better on paper.
So this guy is just going to lose interest in my in less than a week. Why do I even bother? Why do I keep getting my hopes up time and time again? I wish I wouldn't do that. I keep thinking oh this time it's different. But it never is.
I really hope this time it is different.
I was laughing my ass off talking to him last night. He could be serious too though. Which is good, obviously.
Also, why did he AIM me two months after me adding him?? Why now? Why not two months ago??
Wish me luck.
- Mood:
confused - Music:Coheed and Cambria
Do you know what I've started doing? I've started omitting you. When people ask me if I have any other siblings, I just tell them I have an older brother. I don't tell them I have a twin, because it hurts to much to explain to them why we don't speak. or even to tell them that we don't speak. They don't have the slightest clue that I have a twin. another half. But now it doesn't matter. because my other half has disappeared.
- Mood:
exhausted - Music:90's
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