Do you know what really irritates me? People who complain to me about how busy I am.

I'm sorry mommy and daddy don''t pay for my housing and tuition. I"m sorry my profession is more demanding than yours. I'm sorry I my lab is so hard I have to go to open lab. I'm sorry I'm involved so that I can hopefully be successful.

RAH. It irritates the HELL out of me when my friends keep complaining that I dont' spend time with them. That I go to sleep. I only sleep 5/6 hours as is. It's not like I sleep ALL day like THEM. They guilt trip me and make me feel awful. Like a terrible friend. I'm still a good friend. I still spend time with them, I still listen to all their problems. Listen to them rant and rave about the dumbest things.

A lot of times I feel like I'm mad at everyone BUT Kat. She's the only one that really understands, because she's even MORE busy then me. They just don't understand. I would do anythign to not have to work. I hate working. It's not like I enjoy being gone ALL the time.

You know what else irritates me. When they, mostly Chris and Bre, complain about how they're SO busy. How am I ever going to get this done? or that done? How?? God, get off your LAZY ass, maybe sleep a little less than 12 hours a day. They don't even HAVE a job, let alone work the 25+ hours a week that Kat and I do. I have no fucking sympathy. They aren't involved. They dont' do ANYTHING but go to class. Yet they expect to get sympathy from me, no way. No fucking way.

Chris, only ever wants to hang out when It's convenient for him. LATE. Really late. I'm sorry but I need sleep. I dont' have time to take naps all day like he does. He's not even BUSY. Yet he wants me to work my schedule around his. GAH.

I hate how you act like I don't exist.

The guy I love wants nothing to do with me.
My best guy friend wants to date me.
My only other ex wants to get back together.
A random guy has sparked my interest.

Evan,

I don't think you will ever read this because I highly doubt I'll ever have the courage to give this to you. You never know though, for some reason you seem to give me the courage I can't ever seem to find. Plus If I do ever give this to you there is no guarantee that you will actually read it. But I have to get this out. It's eating away at me. I know I could never say what I want to say to your face, especially right now. I can't even meet your eyes these days.

I feel like so many things are left unsaid between the two of us. Every time I talk to you I want to say so much more but never do. Every time we talk I feel as though there is something you need to tell me but won't. Sometimes I think I feel to much, other times I walk around feeling numb. I like the numbness more, it hurts a lot less.

I kept too much from you. I kept you at a safe distance (or so I thought) and tried so hard not to let you into my heart, my thoughts, my actions. Somehow you found your way in anyway. I kept you so far away at times. I kept you as far away as I possibly could and still call you my boyfriend, especially this fall. 

I made you a card. For our "one month". Yes, I never gave it to you. You didn't know it was our one moth, you didn't acknowledge it at all. So, I figured it wasn't that big of a deal. It was thought. To me. I ripped the card up. I was so proud of that card. It had a lot of little things in it. I couldn't wait to give it to you. Then I did give it to because the day didn't seem to matter to you. I didn't have enough guts to give you the card anyway. To me it's the little things that matter most. Little things like a homemade card, a simple wall post, a note.

I think they are many more underlying reasons as to why we broke up. I think a huge part was that when we got back up to school we stopped "dating". When we got back up here we never went on one date, did we? I would spend a MAX of two hours a day with you, usually very late at night. We never did anything, or really even talked. I would come over, we'd fool around for awhile, then I'd usually leave. This is both of our faults. I never invited you to come hangout over here earlier on, but you never invited me along for anything either. I thought I fit in well with you and your friends. I loved hanging out with you guys. I do remember me suggesting we go out to eat and you said, but I don't want to waste a meal plan (that hurt a little).

I made two really big mistakes with you:

1. Sleeping with you. I don't regret it but it was a mistake. Sleeping with someone is just as intimate as having sex. Just on a different level. I loved sleeping with you, laying with you. You are always so warm, me so cold. I hate being alone, HATE it, and when I slept with you I was never alone (except the night you got sick). You even invaded my dreams on those nights.
2. I got attached. When I hit my deer, the first person I wanted to call was you (after my mom). I wanted to call you so much, I knew you would make me feel better, you would comfort me and make me laugh. The part that really made me afraid was that I wanted to call you before Bre and Kat. So I didn't call you at all. I got attached to YOU. I loved you. There finally said it. Only took me three months. I wasn't IN love with you but I was falling...and I loved you. If that makes any sense. I remember three distinct times when I almost told you I loved you. I remeber oen of the times I was thinking about it, you kept saying "what?" because apparently I was looking at you different. I was too afraid to say it. When we were watching Die Hard 3 at the theaters I wrote it on your back. I had my hand up under the back of your shirt and I traced it onto your hot skin. I was just too afraid, way too afraid to say it. I knew you didn't love me. I knew you didn't care about me the same way I cared about you. I think that that's that one thing you've wanted to say but never did. I can just hear you saying "I like you a lot, Stef, but I just don't love you". That thought echoes in my head a lot.


You did hurt me. A lot. You broke my heart and you said you had to break up with me before you did hurt me. It reminds me of this song my Augustana "Either way, I'll break your heart someday". But I forgave you. For everything. I was so angry at you for a long time. Chris, whether he meant to or not, fed that anger. Then I let go of it all. I just let it all go, washed it all away. I forgave you. In one way I wished I hadn't done that. Being mad at you is a lot easier. I miss you. I miss you SO much. I miss you more than I ever thought I could.

I think I'm having a hard time getting over this because I can't run. Running is my therapy.  It helps me sort things out and heal. Heal my mind and my heart. Heal my SPIRIT. I'm having a hard time because sometimes I wonder (now that we're broken up) if it was meant to be and I just screwed up my chance. I'm having a hard time because I fear I've lost you. Forever. I've always thougth, if you really really want something you have to fight for it. So that's what I'm doing. Fighting, for you. for us. I thought we shared something special. Then there's the rejection once again.

I miss your smile, your laugh, your pokes, the way you could always read me. I miss your touch, your smell, I miss laying in bed with you, your weight on top of me. I miss holding your hand, I miss having your arms around me, I miss your warmth. I miss the way you feel under my finger tips. I miss YOU. YES. YOU.

Remember that night you got sick? That morning you had your head in my lap. I was running my fingers through your hair. You kept drifting in and out of sleep. I just sat there, watchign you sleep. I think that might have been when it really hit me, how much I really cared for you. I remember you kept saying "You're too good too me". How could you let go of something that was too good for you?

I was always so calm around you. You calmed me so much. I don't know what it was but when I was around you I didn't fidget half as much as I usual did. I never told you this but you rekindled my love for classic rock. I went through this faze where I hated it, last year. I use to love it because Beau got me hooked on it. Then I hated it because it reminded me so much of him, and I tend to avoid things that remind me of him. Last spring things with Beau went through the roof and I stopped listening to classic rock all together. Then I'd be with you, and that's all you listened to, so I wanted to listen to it more. Probably because of the association with you. I fell in love with it all over again. Classic Rock defines me. So much. You helped me rediscover that love.

I want to get back together with you so much. I want it bad. I would do anythign to be back in your arms, your arms that I miss so much. I know that's not really an option, but that doesn't make me want it any less. I know you don't want me back. And I know that we could never get back together right now. Both of us have a lot more growing up to do first. Have you once regretted breaking up with me? I want a second chance. A chance to prove I'm the one you want. A chance to get you back (but I don't think I ever had you in the first place). I would do so many things differently the second time around. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?

Remeber that talk we had, after we broke up, what things you could have done different? What could I have done different? I think about that a lot.

I loved this summer. I know that if we did get back together it would never be like this summer. I do think it would be even better. I have faith that if we ever did get back together, not now, but later, things would really work out.

"You never know what you have until it's gone". So ture. I didn't realize just how much you meant to me untill you were gone. I gave you a pice of me. I let you have me. I shared my heart with you. I gave you a piece of my heart, and I never got it back. You've been absent from my life for over two months now, and it's killing me.

I never thought about the future with you. Ever. Maybe little day dreams here and there. I knew you weren't in this for the long term thing but somehow it feels as though I've lost one of my dreams. Just went flying out that window. I want you. I've taken so many risks with you. Risks I thought I'd never have the courage to take.

I can't look you in the eyes anymore. I can't look you in the eyes because I fear you'll be able to see the pain, the heart breaking in my eyes. There's the love too, so much love for you. I'm letting go of that pain, but I could never let go of that love. At least not for a while yet.

I'm writing this(not this copy obviously, the paper hand-written copy) out on a rock int the middle of the river at Island Park. It's my Colorado. I crawled out here the day you broke up with me and I'm out here again. I've sat hear for a good two hours. It's so peaceful, so serene. The only thing now is that it's officially fall, moving onto winter. Everything is dead. Fall has always been a really hard time for me. I always dread September, and have since I was seven. Everything seems to come crashing down on me in that one month. It did again this year. I love this rock. This big rock has helped me through a lot.

I don't expect anything from you. I don't expect anything to happen. I just had to tell you this because I never did before. I've regret that I never told you I loved you and I try to live without regrets. If I had never wrote this I would have always wondered, wondered what would happen if I DID write it...

Love, Stef

Ive been holding out so long
Ive been sleeping all alone
Lord I miss you
Ive been hanging on the phone
Ive been sleeping all alone
I want to kiss you

Augustana "Either way, I'll break your heart someday":

I'll miss you in the winter
your friends say i should listen
Can't you see i've loved you all along
if america dont like me
you can say i finally
i'm the cableman who only knocks on the door
should anyone, should anyone

Cause either way
break your heart someday
and leaving you's the last thing on my mind
so when i go baby kiss me slow
so i don't forget to make my way back home
when it's cold

Augustana "Still Ain't Over You":

Out of luck and out of tune
Half the day and I confused
Love may wash away the blues
I still ain't over you

Belong to me when it's summer time
Miles away from home of mine
Same old shit same damn rhyme
I still ain't over you

Cause When the walls come crashing in
When the flames come closing in
Just remember, time and again
I still ain't over you

If my life could be described in one word it would be: Chaotic

Thursday I went to visit my old h.s. Spanish Teacher. I love and miss her so much. She helped me in many ways through out high school, she was the only teacher who really challenged me.  I think the main reason why I love Mrs. Maida so much is because she is one of the most spiritual people that I know.

I belive there are two kinds of very spiritual people:
1. The kind that lets it consume them and their lifes.
2. The kind that lead a "normal" life and can separate from their spirtuality when need be.

She's the second type. I love how spiritual she is. We talked about spirituality for a long time. I would consider myself a fairly spirtitual person. I am very spirited. My outlet is nature. Those rocks in Colorado. I honest to God belive that hatred is poison in our bodies and that it causes many deseases and cancers. Hatred and stress. I'm going to take up Yoga and Meditation then I'm going to try and get my mom to do it too. I worry about her so much.

Another reason why I'm so drawn to Mrs. Maida is because her son, Nate, did exactly what Beau is doing to my mom, many years ago. I was talking to her about that too. It was hard. I find it harder and harder to talk about Beau these days. I can barely talk about him without getting teary eyed. Even in casual conversation. I think my walls are breaking, crumbling down and I don't know how much longer I can hold them up before everything I've been holding back comes rushing in. I cried three times that Thursday, more like sobbing actually.

I believe that all of are connected spirtitually. Not that with random people, but with people you have any sort of meaningful relationship with.

We were talking about how Beau can sense and feel my families pain caused by him. That that is a reason why he hasn't "come back". Beau is not ready to "come back" he still hasn't "woken up". I don't think he feels guilt or remorse yet. However I do believe that he can feel our pain on a different level. That he can subconciously feel it and it's drawing him even further away. I know if I ever saw him in person I would have pain written all over my face. I forgive Beau for every single thing he has done. I realize that he isn't acting in the right mind and what he's doing isn't Beau. I forgive him, I just want my twin back. What I have to do now is let go of the pain and embrace the love. I believe that it will help him to come back. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I think I'm going to start with the Yoga and Meditation.

Now, on to other things. Evan. I want to get back together with him really bad. I want a second chance and I feel like I deserve that second chance. He screwed things up, but so did I. I kept him at too far a distance. He was BARELY in my life. I didn't let him in. I realized a couple weeks ago that I still have a lot of feelings for him. I still can't be attracted to another guy. Yet I am still very attracted to him. I can't just come out an ask him because we aren't even friends yet. We're in that akward stage. But the only way I can mend our friendship is by thinking of it as ONLY a friendship NO potentional of something more. Just friendship.

See with Evan I screwed up a lot, I made a lot of mistakes. But the BIGGEST mistake I made was getting attached. He still has a very big piece of my heart.

I don't want to lose him forever. 

I gave away my heart and I never got it back.

I block him out most of the time. I never really let myself feel anything. It's easy, especially since I'm so busy. Sometimes It will hit me out of nowhere, I'll be sitting there and then I feel it. This emptyness inside, and I'll miss him so much, right in that moment. It usually happens when I slow down. Which is one of the reasons why I try to keep going as fast as possible all the time. I miss him so much and a lot of times it really feels like I have completely lost him.

I swear we still have that twin vibe. I swear I can still feel it sometimes.

I'm so freaking stressed out right now and I hate it. I have so much on my plate right now and I'm barely balancing it. I'm still really really happy. I'm just stressed. I haven't had one of my bad spells in a while so that's good. I've been staying really positive for the most part.

Everyone tells me their problems and talks to me. A lot of people have told me that they think I'm really easy to talk to and really easy to open up to. I like helping people and I like being there for people. Lately everyone keeps telling me a lot. Not dumping things on me per say but giving me a lot. I want to help them and I don't know how. I feel overloaded because all these people need my help and I don't know how to help them and I feel like I can't tell anyone becuase that would be breaking their trust. I don't know what to do. I really don't and I'm worried about one of them. I'm pretty sure she has an eating dissorder. I'm pretty positve actually, I know she has a eating problem and I think she's on the path to the disorder part. I can't even solve my own problems, I don't know how to help. I really don't.

I am so fucking happy and I have no idea why.

Okay so I do know why. I let go. I really did. I have very little regret. I am moving on. I let go of everything with Evan I let go of my hatred for my dad. I just let it all go. I have no idea how i did it, but I did. I think It was this weekend as a whole. The talk on Friday with Joel, hanging out with Scottie and Ryan, going to the movie, thinking, water skiing, just being up north with my family. I had a really busy weekend.. All that helped me let everything go.

I feel so good right now. I feel free, like nothing can stop me. I feel happy and full of faith. I feel as though everything will be alright. Everything will work out. Things are finally starting to come together.